


Jon is in a State of Constant Confusion

by SirBoopington



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Elias is a little bitch, F/F, Homophobia, M/M, Michael is perfect and did not deserve any of the canon, Other, Set in vague season 3, Someone please help Jon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:48:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26490685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SirBoopington/pseuds/SirBoopington
Summary: The shenanigans of Michael and Gerry as everyone torments Jon.
Relationships: Basira Hussain/Alice "Daisy" Tonner, Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas, Gerard Keay/Michael | The Distortion, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 31
Kudos: 50
Collections: incidentalKeysmash





	Jon is in a State of Constant Confusion

**Author's Note:**

> I was doing research for a Micheal Shelley fic and this seared itself into my sleep-deprived brain. I'm sorry?

The thing that called itself Michael and an emo boy were in his office. Jon scrambled back, the tape recorder clicked on.

"Get out of here!" he yelled at it, not in the mood to get trapped in bullshit corridors for two weeks.  
"And why should I do that?" said Michael in its stupid cough syrup voice.  
"Get out, or- or I'll punch you!"

"You'll punch him?" The goth dude raised a slit eyebrow. Jon wanted to punch him too. It's not like he had any weapons in the office since Elias deemed them 'bad for morale', what else was he supposed to say? Huh? Answer that, you cunt. Today was supposed to be a nice day reading about someone's organs melting out of every orifice in their body, not whatever bullshit this walking headache-

"... Is he having a stroke?"   
"No," Michael chuckled, "The Archivist is just being homophobic."

Before Jon could protest, nevertheless comprehend this, a very angry Tim materialized in the doorway.  
"Sims, what the fuck? Why are you being homophobic?"  
"He's not being homophobic," Basira looked up from her book, which Jon Knew was werewolf erotica, "Look at those folded socks, he's so clearly gay."

"He can be gay _and_ homophobic, just look at Elias," argued Melanie.   
"Don't compare him to Elias," defended Martin, "But yeah, Jon, you are pretty gay."

Finally, Jon managed to sputter out a confused,  
"I'm not gay."

"Jesus, Jon. I can smell that internalized homophobia from here," Daisy cringed.  
"Elias doesn't hire straight people, Archivist," said Michael, "He Knows he wouldn't be able to handle that many brain cells."

"Who has the brain cells now?" Tim asked.  
"Me," said the emo boy.

"Why are you still in _my archives?_ " Jon yelled. He was going to start crying if they didn't leave soon.  
"Don't be homophobic, Jon," chorused the institute workers. Martin shook his head sadly.  
"Yeah, you're upsetting my fiance," the emo boy shouted.  
"Wait, fiance?" Michael gasped.  
"Oh, shit. Wait a second, I forgot…"

The emo boy then got down on one knee, to everyone's astonishment.

"Michael," he pulled out a box, inside was a golden cheerio, now with less sugar, extra crunch and all goodness, "When you first tried to devour me as a sacrifice to your Eldritch entity of madness that fringes the eternal cosmos in hope of gliding it into screaming discord, I was a bit hesitant about your character. But after these past two weeks with you, I can confidently say that there's nowhere I want to be, if not with you."

Jon had now collapsed to the floor, his knees pulled up to his face in disconcerted sobs. Besides him, everyone sniffled with wide, impassioned eyes.  
"Back then, at the beginning of these two long weeks, you told me that you would only date me if I proposed in the Archivist's office, because fuck Gertrude Robinson."

" _Fuck Gertrude Robinson_ ," Michael cried. It was quite hard for him to make out with the emo boy when half of his bones were in his hands, along with also having wack-ass depth perception, but it was quite sweet regardless.

"Good job!" clapped Martin. Everyone cheered. Jon fell onto his side and cried harder, hands clawing into his scalp.

"Why can't you be happy for us, Archivist?"  
"Yeah, stop being homophobic, Jon," Melanie booed.

"It's okay, Archivist," Elias patted his head, "I support your decision to be homophobic, I've divorced my husband three times now."  
 _He's a big-boy man_ , added the Beholding.  
"Yes, he _is_ a big-boy man," said Elias proudly.

"Am I your big-boy man?" asked Michael coyly.  
"Always," answered the emo boy sincerely.

And then they had a huge wedding that made all the entities and their avatars cry. The innocent people of Earth that had no idea what the fuck was going on cried too. They cried even more when the entities gave the happy couple domination of the world as wedding gifts.

The ghost of Gertrude Robinson's eye twitched. And Jon was given therapy by the Cult of the Lightless Flame to overcome his severe Stupid Bitch disease. After much trial and tribulation, Jon finally realized his love for Martin and stopped being such a homophobic prick. The two couples have brunch together every Saturday. 

Also Sasha is back and is best queer-platonic friends with Tim, because fuck you Nikola Orsinov and your weird-ass gangly puppet babies.

_The End._


End file.
